Tags
3D, Alphabet Street, Arnlod Schwarzeneger, Avatar, Avatar 2, Battle, Cameron being sued, James Cameron, Lawsuit, Terminator, The Abyss, Titanic
(If James Cameron lived on Alphabet Street.)
Living on Alphabet street sometimes can be dangerous. No longer do the letters live in order, the ones who matter the most get first dibs on the best house. Poor Y and Z have had to bunk up together for the past hundred years. Today, James Cameron is out in the back yard overseeing five assistants hook up his outdoor flat screen labyrinth with Back to the Future surround sound speakers so he can watch his films outdoors. James’ neighbor Mr. A, actually the letter A, stomps up to James. James can see it written on his face ,“You have a shitty look on your face for being the first letter in the alphabet and the letter that starts in the title of the highest grossing film ever made, now tell me, what the hell is wrong with you”
The letter A with his nasally voice “You won’t believe what T is saying. (he is referring to the letter T who lives on other side of James.) T says you like him better, says you make killer films with his letter. He said Avatar’s could never exist but a futuristic Terminator will happen someday when Apple’s Siri takes over the world.
James: “Stop being such a pussy and yes, Avatars do exist, but the government won’t let me show them to the world yet. The government says every living organism I discover in the ocean I have to clear it with them first….” He stops, reflects as he looks up to the heavens “ Jesus, I am the modern day Jacques Cousteau, the average movie goer has no ideawhat I’ve discovered. It’s bigger than that little piece of shit alien they handed Spielberg on a platter from Area 51, so excuse me for not giving a shit about your high priced problems A. Look, Aliens are running around your backyard playing tag with the Abyss liquid worm. Do you think the government would help market those films a little more, no, too scary for the public.”
A: “I thought Ridley discovered the Alien?”
James stands tall: “Technically he did, I was busy working on my short Xenogenesis” James looks over at the letter “X” as he is cleaning up dog shit and yells “Last time I use you to start a film title!” The letter X shrinks to a lower case x.
A: “That doesn’t make any sense”.
James :“You want me to rename Avatar 2 and 3?”
A: “Sorry”.
Mr. A slumps. James feels a little remorse.
James: “Look at your backyard right now, you have the baddest-mofo on any planet in this universe playing tag with coolest living thing in the sea”.
They look over and see the Aliens becoming angry because they keep trying to tag the Abyss but every-time they do their hand goes right through it. “Aaah you fucking piece of shit liquid worm” yells one Aliens as it runs by, yeah that’s right, Aliens fucking talk. Mr. A starts to feel better and doesn’t feel threatened anymore.
James goes back to watching his assistants hook up his monstrosity of fuck me TV’s, one of them hits the power button, looks for the signal strength and finds TNT. Of course True Lies is on when Arnold is being held hostage and his truth serum has kicked in.
Mr. A yells “ fucking TNT, always True Lies, True Lies, what the fuck, it’s on every week.”
Mr. A begins to storm off.
James:“It’s flinkydinks favorite movie, calm the shit down”. Mr. A looks back “who is flinkydink?”
James :“You know, the guy who owns the network.”
A:“Ted Turner, aaah shit, more T’s. I hate that fucking letter”
A few minutes go by and James’ hears the scruffy voice bellowing from behind speaking in sync with the lines on TV. It’s Mr T (not Clubber Lang) holding a half empty bottle of tequila. Behind him is The Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, not the exoskeleton.
Mr. T slurs, obviously shitfaced: “What’s that pussy A been saying?”
James: “Let it rest T.”
Mr. T scrunches his nose in disgust, “Oh big man with only four films and the highest grossing film can go take a dump on Ed Harris’ face for all I care. In fact, I’ll go throw up right now on that goddamn blue tail of those giant smurfs. That’s all they are, smurfs, big fucking smurfs who don’t speak English and let me tell you this, if 3D was around when Titanic came out, oooooh mother fucker would I be in the trillions. Imagine you in a theater, sitting there with those fucking Andre the Giant glasses, you’d feel like you were going down on that shit. You’d be in that room with Kate when she’s naked only wearing the necklace feelin’ her breastssss, or could be trapped with Leo and Kate in the lower cabins with the peasants, could you imagine when the ship goes down, you would go down and I bet you wouldn’t make out it of the theater. Everyone would have a heart attack. That’s the slogan, come enjoy the Titanic and die like the passengers did back when. Brilliant. I say, Brilliant!”
Mr. T sits down to take a breath, he looks up at James. “I remember when I lived next to S and U. Life was simple then.” Then Mr. T starts to break down and cry, Arnold comes over to console him, they wrap their arms around each other. We hear the giant horn come from the Titanic that is parked in his backyard.
Mr. T: “I was king of the world”.
We hear laughter coming from the other side of the fence. The fence crashes open and through the dust we see Mr. A, some Avatars, a few Aliens and the liquid worm from the Abyss. Mr. T and Arnold stand up, Arnold whistles. Out comes the T-1000 Robert Patrick and T-X Kristanna Loken. Arnold looks at the T-X, “Are you Sarah Connor?” The T-X doesn’t speak. “I’ll take your jacket, your boots, and your bike”. Mr. T becomes furious:“That doesn’t make any fucking sense.” He looks to the T-X “go back in the kitchen where you belong”.
Schwarzenegger: “Hasta la vista baby”. He slaps her on the ass as she walks by.
Mr. T: to James: “You’ve should’ve never let that film hit the big screen, but that is a different conversation. Now, Mr. A and his little blue turds, you wanna go to war?
Mr. A: “There is no reason for us to fight you when we are on top and currently making Avatar two and three, we just find it funny how the King has chosen to work with us for the next few years and not yourself.
Mr. T: “That’s it…..Terminate!!!!!!!
All out war breaks out between the two camps. Avatar’s climb up the trees to saddle up on their flying dragons. T-1000’s line up from the back of Mr. T’s house and start firing in the air at the Avatar’s. As they fly by the Titanic sprays water at them knocking them to the ground. Some escape through the madness and shoot their arrows at the Terminators but all they do is bounce off. The liquid worm from the Abyss begins to absorb all the water from the Titanic and it grows larger and larger as it forms a blanket over all three houses. The fighting below is out of control and the Abyss drops itself on top of everyone knocking everyone to the ground from the force of the water hitting them from up above. The fighting has stopped. Cameron is in tears. He can’t believe his eyes, his babies are fighting with each other and he never meant for this to happen.
James: “THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT!!!!!! He looks up at the Titanic “ NO 3D RELEASE FOR YOU” the titanic blows it’s horn in disappointment. “And no more sequels, I’m done with both franchises, I’m moving on to just animation and films that start with the letter Q.”